Would you waste your time on people you didn't like?

I had a conversation with a good friend last night. We had met up for coffee and some excellent tiramisu, and were discussing why I didn't seem to want to meet a lot of people from my past. I told her that life was too short, so why bother meeting people I didn't like?

Of course, all that made sense to me at the time, but I guess she made me think about my policy towards people. I suppose I'm rather inflexible with regard to those who've hurt me in the past. I don't tend to forgive easily, and even those I have forgiven, I tend to want to forget about anyway. It's very, very difficult to give people a second chance, especially when the first time wasn't so good.

But the blade cuts both ways, I guess, and I have disappointed many people in my life. I suppose that, if I want the privilege of a second chance, I can't be so misguided and egoistic as to assume that I'm the only person on earth who deserves it. After all, if I've hurt others without intending to, couldn't the same be said of others with me?

It's just bloody tough to do, though. :( I mean, it's one thing to say that you want to be fair... it's another thing to actually apply it in real life. It's just so much easier to be the selfish one, and to take what others can give. It's so much harder to be the one giving, when others only want to take.

This is the paradox of friendship, I suppose: you never really test it until your friends hurt you, or you hurt them. Until that time, you can't really be sure you're friends.

Oh, to be sure, there are those few people with whom you've always gotten along. These are the ones I truly treasure, because we've been blessed with the ability to accept each other, imperfections and all. But what kind of life would I be leading if the only people I ever really talked to were the ones who agreed with me? Who would take me task then? Who would tell me when I was being stupid, or silly, or arrogant, or insensitive? Who would challenge me when I did things that hurt others? Who would really bother?

The answer is pretty simple: friends, of course. Real friends are those who aren't afraid to tell you things you don't want to hear. And real friends are also those who would accept what was being said, regardless of how much they liked hearing it. I have had some real friends in my life, whom I've probably neglected or ignored mainly because they told me things I wasn't prepared to accept about myself, or because they've hurt me in ways necessary to my growth, if painful to my ego. The question, the real question I suppose, is whether I've been a real enough friend to them to continue to be there for them, even when they didn't indulge my every whim. When taken in this light, I suppose I may have been less of a friend to them than they have been to me.

Maybe second chances are all right. After all, I'm probably the one who needs them more than most. Would you waste time on people you didn't like? I'd hope so. Because that person you consider a waste might just turn out to be me.

The statues do have clay feet

I'm old enough by now to know that life isn't always what you want it to be. In fact, most times it's downright the opposite of what you want or expect.

Just because I'm old enough, however, it doesn't mean I'm always smart enough to tell the difference between a vain hope and a realistic possibility. Sometimes our hearts blind us to what our eyes are really seeing... especially when it comes to the things we've been wanting for a long, long time.

I once fell in love with this girl, a long time ago, whom I thought was absolutely perfect. She was really smart, cute and interesting. She had a zest for life that was downright infectious, and a keen desire to learn new things and experience things few people would consider. She could speak four languages, sail a yacht, paint, shape pottery and write poetry. She was, in my mind, everything I ever wanted in a woman.

I was in love with her for three long years, until she finally agreed to be my girlfriend.

Our relationship lasted all of two weeks.

What I found out, after we got together, was that the woman I felt I fell in love with was not actually the woman I got. Sure, she was all the things I mentioned, but she was also cold, selfish, vain and mean-spirited. She didn't think twice about making fun of other people. She even told me she didn't regret doing bad things to me (back when I was still courting her) because I "asked for it." She was not kind to hired help, and to waiters in restaurants. Heck, she even had lousy taste in perfume.

It was then that I realized that the biggest problem we face in running after someone, or even something, isn't that we may not get what we want. On the contrary, the biggest problem is that we won't like it when we get it.

You see, we often put what we love on a pedestal. We think that what we want is the greatest thing on earth, and that, if we could only just reach it, we would be happy beyond measure. The jarring truth is that our expectations and our dreams are often far beyond the reach of reality, and what we end up wanting isn't what we really see, but what we really want to see. The more we end up wanting something, the more we seem willing to blind ourselves to the truth of its imperfections. Sure the girl is beautiful... but is she a good person? Sure that car is fast... but does it break down easily? Sure money can buy a lot of things... but will it ever buy satisfaction?

Many times in my life I've convinced myself that I can live with whatever imperfections my "statues" have, while at the same time dreaming of them as perfect as they can be. It's just not a realistic way to live, and I've paid for that folly many times with bitter disappointment. I've often realized that the whole time I kept wanting what I dreamed of, what was really out there wasn't really worth it.

The key is to understand that every full moon has a dark side, that every great thing often has an equally great flaw, and that wanting something should also include wanting ALL of that thing, warts and all. You can't expect your dreams to be fulfilled by something perfect. Because if you want them fulfilled in the real world, you have to take real things... and these things are never perfect.

I've turned the corner on my life in Thailand. A lot of it has been pleasant, but some of the dreams I'd nurtured for so long didn't really turn out the way I had planned them to. I guess it's tough to expect someone or something to be worthy of your dreams. After all, in dreams, we have no limitations, no boundaries to hold us back. What could ever live up to those? I guess the sooner I accept that, the easier it will be for me to move on.

I did something really stupid

I went to my school yesterday night, in order to meet up with my thesis adviser and a number of other classmates and to present a progress report on my thesis.

When I got there, just a few minutes before my presentation time, I went to the computer room to do some last minute editing of my PowerPoint, then proceeded to go to my adviser's office to meet up with him and the other folks. The only problem was, no one was there.

When 7 pm arrived (the scheduled time of my presentation), I went searching through each of the floors of the building, and went to each open classroom, to see where they might be. I couldn't find them.

So I called up the administration office to ask if they could help me locate my adviser. Apparently, no one had seen him the entire day.

That's when it dawned on me.

I had come one week early to the meeting. :)

Sometimes, when you're so focused on something, you get so blind to everything else that you can make stupid mistakes. This was one of those times. I suppose I should have read the e-mail more carefully, but I was so focused on doing the thesis presentation right (you should see my PowerPoint) that I didn't even pay attention to one of the most important aspects of meetings: know when you are supposed to meet.

I just chuckled to myself all the way home. :) After all, it could have been worse. I could have been one week late to the meeting. As it is, I'm more than ready when I finally do have to present. It's still small consolation, though, for feeling really stupid. ;)

Why would you let someone else describe your life for you?

I just spoke with a friend earlier, and she said something quite nice. We were discussing the topic of living your own life, and she said that, no matter what, she would always want to lead a life she chose for herself, regardless of what others thought. Her exact words were, "Why let someone else describe what your life should be? You should be the one determining how you want to live."

Great point.

Sometimes, we take for granted that we have our own lives to lead. We often let the dictates of society rule our lives. We let our friends choose things for us, (ex. "Why go out with her... she's so ugly?") sometimes stopping ourselves from doing what we really want to do, sometimes stopping ourselves from even thinking of what to do. How many of us have chosen our career paths because our parents told us to take a certain degree in college? How many of us have broken up with someone because our families couldn't, or wouldn't, like him/her? How many of us have eaten food we didn't want to eat, gone to places we didn't want to go to, or even avoided things we didn't want to avoid... all because other people told us to, and not because we made an honest, open, informed choice?

I agree with my friend. If we keep doing things we don't want to do, we are letting other people "describe" what our lives will be like. We are surrendering our destinies to other people. And we will lose what little of ourselves we have.

The next time someone asks you to describe your life, and what you do, ask yourself this, "Is this the life I truly want to lead?" Because if it's not, stop describing it. Just tell him/her to go to your friends and family, and society in general, and ask them. After all, you're living the life THEY want to live.

Life doesn't seem so bad when you've got great friends

"No one is ever poor who has friends." - old saying

It's great when you have great friends. :) Life doesn't seem so bad then.

I used to think I could be happy just living on my own. Three years in Thailand has changed all that. Now I realize how important frienships are to a person's well-being, and I'll forever be grateful to the good friends I met while here, because they are the ones who helped me see that.

I'll be leaving Thailand for good this December, but no matter where I go or what I will do, I will always remember the times I had here with fondness.

If you're not learning something new each day, you're not really living

I believe that you're not really living life unless you are learning something new each day. Otherwise, why bother?

It doesn't have to be something big, like learning the Theory of Relativity (which, I suspect, even Einstein was still grappling with when he died). No. It could be something as simple as finding out that a good friend of yours likes the same music you do, or that your favorite food has some really cool healthy properties after all.

Life, I feel, is all about making yourself a better person, and learning more about yourself and the world is a good way to start. :)

Buddhism is an interesting religion

Had a really interesting conversation with a friend today.

She's a very religious Buddhist, and she was telling me about the whole nature of karma, birth and rebirth, nirvana, etc...

I'm really intrigued by the whole concept of Buddhism. It's such a peaceful religion. It's all about harmony, and finding a way to improve yourself over countless lifetimes. Naturally, as a Catholic, I'm not supposed to believe in this whole cycle of rebirth. But the notion that our lives would not be our only hope of salvation... that appeals to me greatly.

Catholics are supposed to believe that we only get one shot at life. That the life we lead now is our only hope of salvation. Makes me wonder about all those whose lives were cut short, without the opportunity for redemption. Is that fair? I mean, if I'm 14 years old, and still pretty much immature... how the heck am I to live a truly authentic, Christian life? And if that life of mine is snuffed out, just as those kids' were at Columbine, then would that mean I had less of a chance to "earn" Heaven than, say, Donald Trump? How come he gets more years, and those kids didn't?

It made me even think of the concept of the Virgin Mary... I mean, I always thought it was a bit unfair that she got to be conceived without original sin. Wouldn't it be logical to assume that, if she's the only one on earth to be blessed without original sin, that she would be less predisposed to sin? And that she would have an easier time earning the path to Heaven?

I don't know. I guess, in spite of the fact that I believe in God, I'm still grappling with some of the fundamental tenets of my own faith. There is much to like about the ideas of Buddhism, just as there are some ideas to admire in Islam, etc. Religion is a fascinating thing, and in as much as I'm trying to live an authentic life on earth, I feel it my duty to try to learn more about how some people try to be good, and avoid evil. Perhaps it'll even make me a better Catholic at the end of it all.

In the Distance

Cry of spirit borne
Upon gentle windswept morn
Away from heart and hope

I wake up alone
And seek the solace I've known
Only to see you gone

And somewhere my soul
Unsettled and still unwhole,
Cries, in the distance

That has come between
Where you and I had once been
You no longer seen

Heart no longer felt
Senses no longer my own
You no longer home.

A Challenge to God's Existence

There's this old philosophical problem regarding the existence of God. Many people have used it either to question God's existence, or to reaffirm the idea that human beings are responsible for their own fates. It goes like this...

Premise 1: God is all-powerful.

Premise 2: God is all-loving.

Premise 3: God is all-knowing.

Questions: If God is all-powerful AND all-loving, then how do we explain the existence of war? How do we explain the horrors of the Holocaust? Of terrorism?

If Premise 3 (all-knowing) is correct, God knew ahead of time that millions of innocent children would be raped, tortured and killed, and did nothing at all to stop it. This would either invalidate Premise 2 (all-loving), because if God is all-powerful, and He did nothing to stop these horrors, then he clearly doesn't love the children enough, OR invalidate Premise 1 (all-powerful), because if God is all-loving, and he did nothing to stop these horrors, then surely he must not be powerful enough to stop them. If, however, God did NOT know about the horrors in advance, because human beings have "free choice," then that invalidates Premise 3 (all-knowing), and the fate of humanity rests, not on the wisdom and power of an Almighty, but rather on the whims and caprices of our flawed human society.

In simpler terms, "Why would an all-loving God allow a child to be raped? Does this mean that He has no power to stop it? Or if He does, does this mean He won't interfere when evil occurs?"

Of course, there are those who will say that this kind of logic is flawed, and that we, as humans, cannot possibly understand the vastness and greatness that is God. True enough. But if God could directly intervene in people's lives, such as those incidents in the Bible, when He "gave" Samson his strength one last time, or when He sent angels to save Lot from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, then why can't He intervene now? Does He just not want to? What made them so special that they deserved His intervention? (King David even caused the death of a woman's husband, just so he could sleep with her... and God still let him be Israel's greatest King) Why are so many innocents left to die today?

Others would say that this is why God created human beings... so we could do good deeds, and save the world from evil. But since when did that become solely our job? Why isn't God getting as involved as He used to be? How come there are no more visions, no more direct communications... no more miracles?

I'll be honest. I thought about these issues for a long time. Perhaps too long. I let them stew in my head. I let them fester and rot inside my faith. I let myself question the very existence of God.

And yet I still believe.

It's not just a "leap of faith" as some philosophers/theologians may call it. It's an informed, conscious decision based on empirical evidence. I believe because I can see God everyday. I believe because, even through the despair and the death and the horror, I can still see love and compassion and caring. Hurricane Katrina killed thousands... and yet there are outpourings of support from millions all over the world. For each person that died there, there are thousands left to do good things for all the survivors.

Make no mistake...evil does exist, in the hearts of men and women, if nowhere else. Bad things will still happen. But the world has come a long way from the days of colonization and slavery, and we're going further still. Sure, sometimes we screw up... but each time we do, we have the media to remind us of how horrifying we can be in our ignorance and stupidity... and we have enough of a conscience to try to set things right, flawed though the attempt may be.

And are there really no miracles? Wasn't it just a little over a hundred years ago that we still could not fly without a balloon? Wasn't it just 50 years ago that we couldn't replace a human heart? Wasn't it just 20 years ago that we couldn't fathom sending mail to each other that would get to each of us in less than a second? And wasn't it just 5 years ago that we couldn't yet reach Mars?

Now we've found ice on Mars... and the possibility of life on another planet. We can save unborn babies, even when their mothers are brain-dead and comatose. We can reach the stars... and we can sustain life. What more proof of God's existence do we really need?

And through a little over two thousand years since Jesus walked the earth, our societies have learned to communicate, to band together against war and famine, to develop medicines that have cured diseases that used to kill millions, to affirm the rights of women and minorities, to reject violence and terror as a legitimate means to achieve power. We've seen human society change to the point where a man (Gandhi) could topple a colonial power (England's) simply by doing nothing but ask for peace. And all this progress, all this change, has been wrought in less time than it takes to decompose a Coca-Cola can... isn't that miracle enough?

Yes, vile, horrible things will happen. Yes, innocents will suffer and die. This is the ugliness of life. Yet the fact that we can think of this as a problem that we need to solve, the fact that we care so much about solving it that we would dare question God Himself... all this shows just how far human society has progressed since the time of the Romans, where the masses would call for public executions of people whose only fault at times was not being good enough to kill someone else. If we can still be disgusted by how bad things are, then, surely, human society will continue to strive to do more good.

I don't know what else God has left to prove to some, but given that we still have our human freedom, and a much, much better world since He last walked the earth, I'm thinking He has proven enough.

Praew, Amp, Me, Afong and Billy - The 2005 Thai National Environmentals Champions

Questions of the day

Question #1: If everyone in the world is unique, then how do you replace someone you love?

Question #2: And if every new person brings something new to the table, then is committing to someone an act of "settling" for something that might one day be eclipsed by someone else?

I've been wondering about these questions lately. On the one hand, we tell ourselves that no single love, no matter how great, could ruin an entire lifetime by its loss. This is the only way we can convince ourselves to move on, to continue to seek someone new, to not give up on love. But on the other hand, if it is possible to find a new love that is equally grand, if not more so, then why settle for just the one that you have now? Why not wait until a greater love comes along?

Perhaps I should add a third question: "When is a great love great enough for a lifelong commitment?"

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I guess each of us, in his or her own way, would have to find the answers that make sense for each of our lives. In situations like these, I doubt there's any rule of thumb anyway. Love, invariably, ends up becoming a phenomenological exercise... a sort of "you've got to experience it to understand it" kind of thing. For some, the question of who is the right love for them is answered quickly, and often happily. I have friends who married their childhood sweethearts, and seem very happy indeed. They have loving families, and are content with their lot in life. On the other hand, I also have friends who flit from one relationship to another... never satisfied with what they have, but still happy in that they have their freedom to choose that "great love" that may one day come along.

Whichever side of the spectrum you might be might depend on your inclinations and your own personal goals. If your goal is to have a family by the age of 25, then the best person you find by that age is really the person for you. If, however, your goal is to have a career you can be proud of, and a family later on, then finding the right guy/girl might not be so easy.

I'll keep thinking of my own answers to the questions I posted above, and may revisit this post a few years down the road. Right now, however, the answers I've got are, respectively:

1) You never do. You move on, celebrating the special time you had, but hopeful for the future and whomever it may bring.

2) If you even have a doubt as to whether you're settling for someone, then you're settling for someone. Don't settle.

3) The true test of "greatness" is whether it motivates you to action. Martin Luther King, Jr. was great because he motivated millions to action. The same goes for Gandhi, and Churchill, and even the old war leaders like Alexander the Great, Attila the Hun or Napoleon. If Wallis Warfield Simpson ever doubted King Edward VIII's love for her, the fact that he abdicated the throne and gave up a nation to marry her should have settled all doubts. So if I ever find that girl "great" enough... I won't have to wonder. When I slip that ring on her finger... THAT's when I know I've found that someone great.

I'm switching over from Friendster

Got tired of the technical glitches on Friendster that prevented me from posting anything new for a while. I hope this site doesn't have the same problems. It's ironic that my last entry on Friendster was a "sigh" of relief that, perhaps, the problems of Friendster's blogging system were solved.

How wrong I was.

My previous blog URL was the following:

http://peejaygarcia.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

To all my friends from Friendster, welcome! :) To everyone else, I'd like to get to know you too. Feel free to drop by at any time.

Hope everyone has a good day!